Wednesday, July 20, 2005

What a beautiful day! This morning my son and I went for our usual morning walk, but we went a different way. It was not too hot this morning. There was slight breeze and the sun was shining. It was at the verge of making the shade feel a bit cool. The different route that we took led us along the main street and through the shaded sidewalk. My son seemed very interested in the change of scenery. Not having gond this way before I was not familar with objects along the way. I knew that there was an Acordian player on the end of the old route and there was a house for sale half way, but I did not know about the sprinkler up ahead. I was walking along, and the sprinkler just came across and briefly spit on us. My son was so tickled. He sqirmed in his seat and let out a squeal of glee. What a wonderful way to start our day. We continued on our way. I just walked until I realized how far we had to walk back. I had said hello to some people along the way. I noticed how friendly everyone here appears. Lots of young mom's like myself and just generally friendly people. I was walking along the sidewalk on the way back, and the sun had come out more so there was not as much shade. My attention was drawn to the sun coming through the trees. I saw one little sliver of sunlight peeking through the trees as I moved along. I thought maybe my necklace had caught the ray of light, but to my surprise it was tucked away in my shirt. I watched the ray of light as it shown on my clavical bone. I felt like a small ant under a magnifying glass. At that moment, I felt as if God were appearing to me. I felt as though the ray of light was touching me, leading me back home. Today I felt as though God wanted to let me know he was there watching over me. It was such a beautiful overwhelming feeling. During the time in which I watched the ray follow me home, I felt no fear, no worries, just happy to be here, alive.
I just want to say that even though we go through rough times, really rough times, death, fear, all the challenges of life, he is still there. Keeping watch. We pray knowing that he hears us, but get mad when think he did not hear us. He is always listening. The answer might be no, maybe yes, or not right now, but he is always among us. Today he proved to me what has been said all along, "The Lord works in mysterious ways."

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Wow! What a day. My prayer's were answered! I feel so fortunate. Grandma F. is up and walking after her surgery. Her Pneumonia is subsiding. My husband got a job. I have so much to be thankful for. My son is about to walk any day now. He stands all alone and pops up and down while standing alone. He frequently takes steps unassisted.
Depression is very serious. I had no idea what it was all about until two years ago. I only understood it's definition. There is a list of events in Psychology that a person can go through in life that can lead a person into depression. In the top five of that list, is the loss of a job. My husband lost his almost three years ago. During the time immediately following his unemployment, he began to fall away into a realm where I was not allowed. I had no idea what he was thinking or going through. I was the optimistic type person. We were newlyweds and I refused to accept that there maybe something wrong. Growing being told to not show emotion, I continued the behavior without hesitation. Shame on me. It was not this last year, I began to understand what demon he was fighting, and what one I was ignoring. His job had come to be a great deal of importance to him. He was paid well and we lived well. We began somewhat of a nomadiac lifestyle after that. We moved in with his family at their home. We had our own space but not income. We were expecting our son, our first child. We had gotten in over our heads financially trying to stay afloat. I thought life could not get anyworse. We wanted to be happy for the upcoming birth of our son, but we were so consumed with our situation. We decided to try and recover. He could not get a job. I would be ending the days that I could work, shortly. This is just the surface on which I hope to write much more in depth about. Anyway as you read this you can see why I have so much to be thankful. After almost three years of despair there is light at the end of the tunnel. If it had not been for the birth of our son and loving bond we share I am not sure where I would be standing today.

Friday, July 15, 2005

It sure was hot today! I love going for walks in the morning and at night with my family, but tonight we had to wait until the sun was pretty much set before going out. This humidity is terrible. Although, we waited until that late in the evening, we still came back soaked through our clothes in sweat. Anyway...
I was playing on the playground during recess. The girl who slapped me across the face, during class, had rounded up a band of girls who shared in her hate and dislike for me. On the playground that day, they were taunting me and chasing me and picking on me. The Aides on the playground ignored the situation at hand because they agreed with her and her clique. I decided to go the bathroom to try and escape their bullying. I was in the stall trying to sort out what was happening. I heard the door squeek open. I quickly quieted myself and listened. I managed to see through the gap in the door and wall of the stall and saw two of the girls who were sent in to represent the clan of bullies. They began to peek under the stalls to see if I was in there. I was trying to hide and they were seeking me out like hawks to prey. They found me and started chanting Danielle's a N-I-G-G-E-R over and over. I had never heard this word before. I did not know what that meant. I knew it had to have meant something mean if they were saying it to me, and when noone was around. I never asked what it meant, I was too ashamed of being the definition of what they had called me. I looked it up in the dictionary only to find that it confused me. I did not fit the description. I did not know what to think. I wrote them off as being stupid. I understand that today fully. I hate their ignorance and prejudice. I hate the fact that they were taught to hate me. I resent the fact that this learned ignorance is going to be taught to their children, unless by some miralce they see through their faults and come to their senses. I doubt it! I hope that someday the lightbulb comes on to show them how wrong they were toward me.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Today I am stepping back from recalling my childhood in sequence. Life has it's way of throwing crisco under skates. I got that call yesterday. It ripped at my heart and threw me speechless to my knees. My mother-in-law called me to tell me that her mother (my Grandma as I will always call her) had taken a turn for the worst after her surgery to remove her lung cancer. She had been instructed to contact family and have them be there. The doctors were sure this was nearing the end. I was not sure what to say or do. The world spun around me so fast that I could not move because it's gravity forced me into another orbit. I am not sure how many of you reading this have ever been through something like this but, it can be the most horrible thing to happen to someone whom you love so much. My life began to slow almost to a stop. I have never had to confront death on such a deep level. The extent of my coping goes as far as attending a funeral or sending my condolenscenes from afar in a card. I attended a funderal once in seventh grade of my great aunt. I was terrified never having seen a dead person. My only grasp came from a definition and television. My Aunt's funeral was an open casket service. I could see her laying there, what appeared to be sleeping peacefully. I was so scared. My mom told me you do not have to go up to the casket and I said I would because I cared about her. I went up there and it seemed odd. She was laying there, make up done up really nice, but fake because she was a simple woman, I never saw her wear make up. She was in her wedding dress, also something I never saw her in, a dress. Her skin was more pale then usual. I was curious. My curiousity turned to terror as my cousin was about to ruin my first experience with death. He was the same age as me, but I think he was there on behalf of the devil that day. I think what he did that day ruined how I could feel about death and dying. I was sitting there balling my eyes out and he was visiting her at the casket and I was watching him. In front of everyone, he reached in her casket and pulled her hand out and waved at me saying my name in his best imitation of her voice. I was mortified. I had nightmares for two weeks and would not sleep in my room or my bed. I slept in the living room on the couch. My mom was recovering from back surgery was there with me. I am not sure if that is why I do not deal well with death or not? I was faced with that same fear as I got that call yesterday. I thought to myself, If Grandma dies I want to go to funeral but I do not know if I can bring myself to confront death having been so close with her. The only person that I have lost that was some what close to me was my Grandfather (my mother's father). I refused to say goodbye to his body before they cremated him. I was not very close with him. If Grandma were to die it would be a situation in which I would have to confront my fears of death and say goodbye.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I want to begin with an incident of injustice and extreme prejudice. I was sitting my third grade classroom at my desk. We were working on an in class assignment. The girl who had been taught to hate was sitting in front of me. I had not yet begun to grasp the hate that existed with her mother. I was about to get a taste. I looked up at the chalkboard at the front of the classroom and she turned and said to me "What are you looking at bitch?" Before the shock could wear off from her comment, her hand slapped came quickly and slapped me across my shocked face. I placed my hand on my face where I could still feel the burn of her hand mark on my skin. I tried to fight back the tears that were first of sadness, then quickly burned with anger. The teacher looked up from her desk with the sound of her white hand smacking my tan skin. The teacher demanded to know what happened. She said that I had called her a bitch and that is why she slapped me. My anger turned to despair upon seeing the look on the teacher's face. She believed her! The teacher then turned to a fellow student who witnessed what happend and inquired his account. He said that he saw her slap me and call me a bitch. He insisted upon my innocence. The teacher was caught on an ethical line that I do not think had been challenge before here. She new the staff would support the white student and not care about the fact that I had done nothing wrong. She pulled me aside after the rest of the class had left for lunch. She spoke with tenderness "Danielle I think you have beautiful skin, I know you did not do anything wrong..." She got a bit teary eyed and then said "I am sorry that I cannot do anything about her." Strangely, I understood her all too well. I had no idea that this would be only the begining of a lifetime of racial injustice.
This is my first posting. This will probably be the hardest and roughest of drafts. I am starting this due to the recommendation of a good friend (thanks Stefan) and my husband. He wanted me to use live journal, but I think I prefer this. I am starting this in the hopes of getting some things on paper and maybe into a book someday. I used to think that I led an ordinary life but then I realized that I am far from ordinary and have a lot to share. I will have to decide to where I begin and what about. I have soo much I want to share but there is also that fear nagging me like a thorn about sharing. I have grown up unusually, but did not know it until now. I am finding myself and I guess that would be the real reason I decided to keep this blog. I am on a journey to healing my past and accepting who I am now and who I am going to be. I picked probably the worst of situations to do changing and journeying in. I am married with a small child, living with my in-laws. See what I mean. I guess I will start where things stepped out of ordinary and into the unordinary. There will be everyday posts too but they will just be intertwined with my recollections of my past.