Thursday, July 14, 2005

Today I am stepping back from recalling my childhood in sequence. Life has it's way of throwing crisco under skates. I got that call yesterday. It ripped at my heart and threw me speechless to my knees. My mother-in-law called me to tell me that her mother (my Grandma as I will always call her) had taken a turn for the worst after her surgery to remove her lung cancer. She had been instructed to contact family and have them be there. The doctors were sure this was nearing the end. I was not sure what to say or do. The world spun around me so fast that I could not move because it's gravity forced me into another orbit. I am not sure how many of you reading this have ever been through something like this but, it can be the most horrible thing to happen to someone whom you love so much. My life began to slow almost to a stop. I have never had to confront death on such a deep level. The extent of my coping goes as far as attending a funeral or sending my condolenscenes from afar in a card. I attended a funderal once in seventh grade of my great aunt. I was terrified never having seen a dead person. My only grasp came from a definition and television. My Aunt's funeral was an open casket service. I could see her laying there, what appeared to be sleeping peacefully. I was so scared. My mom told me you do not have to go up to the casket and I said I would because I cared about her. I went up there and it seemed odd. She was laying there, make up done up really nice, but fake because she was a simple woman, I never saw her wear make up. She was in her wedding dress, also something I never saw her in, a dress. Her skin was more pale then usual. I was curious. My curiousity turned to terror as my cousin was about to ruin my first experience with death. He was the same age as me, but I think he was there on behalf of the devil that day. I think what he did that day ruined how I could feel about death and dying. I was sitting there balling my eyes out and he was visiting her at the casket and I was watching him. In front of everyone, he reached in her casket and pulled her hand out and waved at me saying my name in his best imitation of her voice. I was mortified. I had nightmares for two weeks and would not sleep in my room or my bed. I slept in the living room on the couch. My mom was recovering from back surgery was there with me. I am not sure if that is why I do not deal well with death or not? I was faced with that same fear as I got that call yesterday. I thought to myself, If Grandma dies I want to go to funeral but I do not know if I can bring myself to confront death having been so close with her. The only person that I have lost that was some what close to me was my Grandfather (my mother's father). I refused to say goodbye to his body before they cremated him. I was not very close with him. If Grandma were to die it would be a situation in which I would have to confront my fears of death and say goodbye.

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